Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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