Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
