I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
