Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
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