So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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