I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
