We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
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