Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
