i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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