just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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