id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
