I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
