Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
