: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
