You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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