I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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