I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Sorry about my life...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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