is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
