I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
