Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
