It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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