I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
