her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
