i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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