turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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