People in love make me want to vomit
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
