Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
