My friends, they love my intelligence
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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