My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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