my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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