I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
