State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
