Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
