remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
