Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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