i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
