its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
