She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
