I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
