I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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