Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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