Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
