Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
