he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
