Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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