did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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