Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
