So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
