So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
