ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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