Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
