I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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